SORROW

SORROW

Today we buried my great uncle. It was a difficult day for many reasons. My own grief aside, it was not the most difficult part of this day. My father's grief, while extremely difficult to watch him brought to tears was still not the most difficult part of the day.

What tooke me and squeezed every last tear out of me was watching my grandmother's sorrow. This was her last sibling, and while she was very close to all of her brothers and sisters, knowing that this was her last connection to her family, was devastating to her.

My grandmother is the strength of the family, all 4ft 11 inches of her. Somehow she always seemed to be so large, a pillar of strength. Today she looked so small, so fragile, so lost and her face showed such pain.

I stood in the church and watched as my dad and his brothers walked the casket in. I felt the tears slip easily down my face. Then i saw her, my grandfather on one side, an uncle on the other side of her, holding her up as she sobbed her way through to the front, like she would collapse if they let go.

It was a beautiful service and my cousin gave a beautiful eulogy for his dad. Briefly making us laugh through some of the memories he shared. I saw my grandmother smile, it wasn't a full smile, but a shadow of one. Before i knew it the service was over and there she was walking out, being held up, held together, by my grandfather and my uncle. The hardest part was to come......the burial.

Standing around with an incredible amount of family (we are Italian), i waited feeling the tears well up, as i thought of my own memories of this man, of how hard it would be to watch my grandmother grieve, because i knew it was coming. They brought the casket in, and i could hear her, as My great uncle was slid into his final resting place. It started out as a cry, and grew louder, it became a wail, an aguished cry that came from the soul. For those who were there and only spoke English, they couldn't understand what she wailed, but the sorrow was obvious. I however, did understand. She wailed about how they came to Canada from Italy, she wailed because she loved him so, she wailed because he had left her all alone, she wailed because she didn't want to let him go, she wailed because she has lost everyone. Hearing it in her, i couldn't stop the tears, and as i heard her pain, i sobbed, fighting to hold it back. Watching my grandmother the pillar of strength so defeated, so full of sorrow hurt my heart more than i thought it would. A woman standing beside me, that I'd known since i was a baby, put her arms around me and held me while i sobbed. I apologized for losing my composure and as they walked my grandmother away from the casket to go home, she stopped and i held her and we cried. She said ( in Italian ) " you were the first (grandchild), you know....you know... you remember them all. Don't forget them.

Nonna i love you, Zio i will miss you.

PONDERING

It leaves me thinking
about so many things
why am i so easily hurt
why do i let others get the best of me
why do i crave to be loved
but fear that i am not
why do i think things in my mind
but am afraid to say them
why am i desperate to keep someone close
yet certain i am driving them away
why am i so ready to love and give it so easily
when i am sure i'm not worthy of the love in return
why do i want someone to love me when at times i'm not even sure i like me
why do i let people take advantage of me, even when i know that they are
why can't the future be here now
why can't i be there now
why am i so damaged
why am i so certain everyone else sees me as damaged goods too
whyyyyyyyy?
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

note to self

Here i am again

self

here to tell you what's wrong with you

self

insecurity is ugly

self

you worry too much

self

you cry too much

self

you complain too much

self

what's wrong with you

self

everything

self

nothing

self

distance

self

stop it

self

or you will be all by your SELF

tight rope

i feel like this as of late
its hard to take a step back
but i've made it this way
at least in my mind
so i balance myself on the wire
knowing i can't step forward, because you'll step back
won't you? haven't you?
the silence ...its deafening
and i can feel the wind swaying me
but i will fight to walk the tight rope to the other side

damaged

she did it to me again

ambushed me

i never saw it coming

and i'm weaker again

damaged

and i find myself crying "i'm not like her, i'm not like her"

but i'm so scared i am

why is she so god damned blind! How does she not think she's damaged us???

I fight every day not to be like her

not to chase him away

to trust him completely

yet i prepare, for the inevitable loss sometimes

no one wants damaged goods

i spend my time apologizing for who i am

i spend my time worrying about something that isn't there

i don't want to be like her

i don't want to be alone because i'm great a fucking things up

i wanted more for my children than she gave me

and yet....i couldn't get that right either

and now .... i worry for the loss of near perfection i have at this time

you see...today she told me i'm just like her

and i'm going to end up just like her

and he's going to leave....just like it happened to her

today i feel hopeless, helpless

i'm sorry

we never argued, not really
it was always so easy to communicate with him
somehow, though it wasn't intentional
I'd hurt him
i could hear it in his voice
and it broke my heart
that I'd cause some kind of hurt
innocently, all misunderstandings but still
his feelings are in the care of my hands

I'd never gone that amount of time without speaking to him
hardly what some might consider a lapse in time
but for us, for me, it seemed an eternity
and panic set in
it robbed me of sleep
it occupied all thoughts
i cried rivers of tears

in the end, he brought my smile back
just by reconfirming US
i ruined his DAY
and i think of ways to make it up, can i?

all i learned is
love is precious
his love is truly sustenance for my soul
he is a part of me that without, i can't function
simply i love him, i adore him, i need him, i cherish him
and mostly I'm sorry

i sit here at this blank page

wanting to be inspired

to write something wonderful

funny, i have a hundred thoughts in my head

but not one word, sentence, phrase comes to mind

i type and erase

none of what i write seems meaningful

i type and erase

afraid to have others see my words

and maybe see the real me

so i type and erase

a child like tempter tantrum..that's me

i feel like a child with the whole
"its not fair" thing
but i feel like a temper tantrum might help
the incredible need to scream and cry
the overwhelming need to be held and comforted
to have the soothing whispers of "things will be ok"
i'm angry
i'm scared
i'm incredibly sad
It isn't fair!
I know where i'm supposed to be and i'm NOT
Why is this so painful, this time?

i sat here forever
wanting to write away the tears i feel
but i type and erase
and i type and erase
I'm not even sure about the words
so why am i sittitng here in front of the screen
with nothing and everything in my head
its the same old tired story
why???? whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???
i foolishly sit here tears dropping on to the keyboard
where my fingers seem to fail
what is wrong with me?
the shoulder i want, is always waterlogged as of late
why is it, only through invisibility, can i extend my hand out for help
but when he asks...i say i'm ok?
what if...the one day i extend my hand... he doesn't take it

uck Spiders

i'm i big pussy when it comes to bugs
anyone who knows me WELL knows this
spiders are the worst for me
i don't know why...just the thoughts have me itchy!
This morning, as i lay in bed..lazing about, i looked up at the ceiling
and there it was..HUGE SPIDER!!...ok ok, to the average person it was probably teeny
but i could see it
and worse..i knew i couldn't reach it to kill it
which meant i couldn't take my eyes away from it
because if i did, i wouldn't know where it went
and then i would not have been able to sleep
OH NO
the thing is...i'm pathetically weak!
You see, as it began to climb down the wall, the thoughts of squishing it, almost disgust me as much as the thoughts of it on my skin!
alas WHAM...my shoe splatted it..lol
sigh...now i can sleep
until HE mentions..i wonder if there were more of em

What have i got

I have lots of time to think sometimes
which sometimes does more damage than good
What do i have?
I have love in my heart for someone, feelings that some people will never have the
privilege of feeling
It reaches the deepest parts that i have always left untouchable...in the past
I have a thousand (no exaggeration)...yes thousands of reasons why i feel this kind of
love for him
and yet i wonder why....
why does he love me???
and this is not some attempt at ego stroking...I'm not trying to cajole words of praise or
love
i just wonder why.....
Why when there is so much to choose from...there
and i am HERE
am i really like them???? destined to ruin what means most to me
annoying him with this bullshit...yeah bullshit
but the me...the damaged me ....sometimes needs to know why
am i lovable, irreplaceable, needed, wanted, cherished
does he want to see me, talk to me, need to be with me
as much as i do
why is it...he hasn't grown tired of me, fallen out of love with me, lost that desire for
me
why is it my warped sense of thought wonders at times....as i feel butterflies
yeah...i still feel butterflies after all this time....does he???
or have butterflies been replaced with nausea and boredom (sigh)
what the fuck??
what the fuck is wrong with me??
be happy with what you've got woman! Before .....

I DARE YOU

i did, perhaps silently dare you
held my breath, waited to see
and yet you did
sometimes though you don't know
i dare you still
it can't be easy and i'm not sure why you do
but thank you

she waited for him
she knew his first instinct would be to look up
and so she thought she'd show him what he was coming hom to
he walked up and just before entering he looked up at their window
and there it was, small at first .... but the smile grew... beaming
she'd gotten the reaction she wanted
she heard him taking the steps two at a time
the door flew open
she caught her breath when she saw the look in his eyes
she turned her back to him, facing the window
moving just slow enough to wiggle her cheeks in invitaion
and he pressed her hard, against the window
and pushed into her, taking it the way she liked
til he roared and she screamed
and he stood back, when they were done, telling her not to move
watching him run out of her
smiling out the window because it seemed they had had an audience
she turned to him slowly and smiled
and spoke "Hello my love. Welcome home, how was your day?

it isn't and has never been just my need to do what i felt he wanted
it consume me
the thoughts of feeding from him, of him
the flutter i feel in my stomach
how my mouth waters, like i'm about to savour the greatest delicacy
my need to taste him....to please him....to devour him...to make him breathless.....
is ever present
you see it is all that , that somehow pleases me, fills the void, dulls the ache
my quest in personal satisfaction, my own pleasure .....
lays in the way i want to....NEED to....DRAIN him
both litterally and physically
when he is asleep, spent
i sit with my Cheshire cat grin
pleased as can be