PONDERING

It leaves me thinking
about so many things
why am i so easily hurt
why do i let others get the best of me
why do i crave to be loved
but fear that i am not
why do i think things in my mind
but am afraid to say them
why am i desperate to keep someone close
yet certain i am driving them away
why am i so ready to love and give it so easily
when i am sure i'm not worthy of the love in return
why do i want someone to love me when at times i'm not even sure i like me
why do i let people take advantage of me, even when i know that they are
why can't the future be here now
why can't i be there now
why am i so damaged
why am i so certain everyone else sees me as damaged goods too
whyyyyyyyy?
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

note to self

Here i am again

self

here to tell you what's wrong with you

self

insecurity is ugly

self

you worry too much

self

you cry too much

self

you complain too much

self

what's wrong with you

self

everything

self

nothing

self

distance

self

stop it

self

or you will be all by your SELF

tight rope

i feel like this as of late
its hard to take a step back
but i've made it this way
at least in my mind
so i balance myself on the wire
knowing i can't step forward, because you'll step back
won't you? haven't you?
the silence ...its deafening
and i can feel the wind swaying me
but i will fight to walk the tight rope to the other side

damaged

she did it to me again

ambushed me

i never saw it coming

and i'm weaker again

damaged

and i find myself crying "i'm not like her, i'm not like her"

but i'm so scared i am

why is she so god damned blind! How does she not think she's damaged us???

I fight every day not to be like her

not to chase him away

to trust him completely

yet i prepare, for the inevitable loss sometimes

no one wants damaged goods

i spend my time apologizing for who i am

i spend my time worrying about something that isn't there

i don't want to be like her

i don't want to be alone because i'm great a fucking things up

i wanted more for my children than she gave me

and yet....i couldn't get that right either

and now .... i worry for the loss of near perfection i have at this time

you see...today she told me i'm just like her

and i'm going to end up just like her

and he's going to leave....just like it happened to her

today i feel hopeless, helpless

i'm sorry

we never argued, not really
it was always so easy to communicate with him
somehow, though it wasn't intentional
I'd hurt him
i could hear it in his voice
and it broke my heart
that I'd cause some kind of hurt
innocently, all misunderstandings but still
his feelings are in the care of my hands

I'd never gone that amount of time without speaking to him
hardly what some might consider a lapse in time
but for us, for me, it seemed an eternity
and panic set in
it robbed me of sleep
it occupied all thoughts
i cried rivers of tears

in the end, he brought my smile back
just by reconfirming US
i ruined his DAY
and i think of ways to make it up, can i?

all i learned is
love is precious
his love is truly sustenance for my soul
he is a part of me that without, i can't function
simply i love him, i adore him, i need him, i cherish him
and mostly I'm sorry

i sit here at this blank page

wanting to be inspired

to write something wonderful

funny, i have a hundred thoughts in my head

but not one word, sentence, phrase comes to mind

i type and erase

none of what i write seems meaningful

i type and erase

afraid to have others see my words

and maybe see the real me

so i type and erase

a child like tempter tantrum..that's me

i feel like a child with the whole
"its not fair" thing
but i feel like a temper tantrum might help
the incredible need to scream and cry
the overwhelming need to be held and comforted
to have the soothing whispers of "things will be ok"
i'm angry
i'm scared
i'm incredibly sad
It isn't fair!
I know where i'm supposed to be and i'm NOT
Why is this so painful, this time?