a read....of meaning

I read this today..... i wouldn't say  it was me....i'm not exactly always sure I'm "smart"
but it sure did sound familiar....

Smart girls are the over thinkers, the insecure ones, the different ones.
They know what the real world is like.
They analyze every little thing in life.
Why?  To avoid getting hurt.  To find Happiness.
They stay up at night trying to think about every possible situation that could go wrong.
Why? To help them get through all the problems.
They think too much.  They trust too little.
Their insecurities prove their respect for themselves, in a way.
Of course they try to live away from a drama-filled life.
Smart girls know their worth.

Now that's the one worth keeping by your side.

anonymous

just thought i'd like to keep this written somewhere.

back again

i thought maybe it was time to write again
not that anyone reads me
but it might be therapeutic for me
to get all these thoughts out of my head
and on to paper (figuratively speaking)

i've missed logging in, and having a place to unload my thoughts
where the computer screen welcomes my words
instead of view it as a complaint
where i can shed a tear and the computer monitor says nothing, and keeps my tears a secret from the world
where i can voice my anger
without making someone else angry
where i can voice my deepest secrets, thoughts even desires
and there is no judgement

i guess i have to figure out what i want to write first
but at least i know
i'm kinda happy about being back
thank you.....for waiting here for me
to find my way back

SORROW

SORROW

Today we buried my great uncle. It was a difficult day for many reasons. My own grief aside, it was not the most difficult part of this day. My father's grief, while extremely difficult to watch him brought to tears was still not the most difficult part of the day.

What tooke me and squeezed every last tear out of me was watching my grandmother's sorrow. This was her last sibling, and while she was very close to all of her brothers and sisters, knowing that this was her last connection to her family, was devastating to her.

My grandmother is the strength of the family, all 4ft 11 inches of her. Somehow she always seemed to be so large, a pillar of strength. Today she looked so small, so fragile, so lost and her face showed such pain.

I stood in the church and watched as my dad and his brothers walked the casket in. I felt the tears slip easily down my face. Then i saw her, my grandfather on one side, an uncle on the other side of her, holding her up as she sobbed her way through to the front, like she would collapse if they let go.

It was a beautiful service and my cousin gave a beautiful eulogy for his dad. Briefly making us laugh through some of the memories he shared. I saw my grandmother smile, it wasn't a full smile, but a shadow of one. Before i knew it the service was over and there she was walking out, being held up, held together, by my grandfather and my uncle. The hardest part was to come......the burial.

Standing around with an incredible amount of family (we are Italian), i waited feeling the tears well up, as i thought of my own memories of this man, of how hard it would be to watch my grandmother grieve, because i knew it was coming. They brought the casket in, and i could hear her, as My great uncle was slid into his final resting place. It started out as a cry, and grew louder, it became a wail, an aguished cry that came from the soul. For those who were there and only spoke English, they couldn't understand what she wailed, but the sorrow was obvious. I however, did understand. She wailed about how they came to Canada from Italy, she wailed because she loved him so, she wailed because he had left her all alone, she wailed because she didn't want to let him go, she wailed because she has lost everyone. Hearing it in her, i couldn't stop the tears, and as i heard her pain, i sobbed, fighting to hold it back. Watching my grandmother the pillar of strength so defeated, so full of sorrow hurt my heart more than i thought it would. A woman standing beside me, that I'd known since i was a baby, put her arms around me and held me while i sobbed. I apologized for losing my composure and as they walked my grandmother away from the casket to go home, she stopped and i held her and we cried. She said ( in Italian ) " you were the first (grandchild), you know....you know... you remember them all. Don't forget them.

Nonna i love you, Zio i will miss you.

PONDERING

It leaves me thinking
about so many things
why am i so easily hurt
why do i let others get the best of me
why do i crave to be loved
but fear that i am not
why do i think things in my mind
but am afraid to say them
why am i desperate to keep someone close
yet certain i am driving them away
why am i so ready to love and give it so easily
when i am sure i'm not worthy of the love in return
why do i want someone to love me when at times i'm not even sure i like me
why do i let people take advantage of me, even when i know that they are
why can't the future be here now
why can't i be there now
why am i so damaged
why am i so certain everyone else sees me as damaged goods too
whyyyyyyyy?
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

note to self

Here i am again

self

here to tell you what's wrong with you

self

insecurity is ugly

self

you worry too much

self

you cry too much

self

you complain too much

self

what's wrong with you

self

everything

self

nothing

self

distance

self

stop it

self

or you will be all by your SELF

tight rope

i feel like this as of late
its hard to take a step back
but i've made it this way
at least in my mind
so i balance myself on the wire
knowing i can't step forward, because you'll step back
won't you? haven't you?
the silence ...its deafening
and i can feel the wind swaying me
but i will fight to walk the tight rope to the other side

damaged

she did it to me again

ambushed me

i never saw it coming

and i'm weaker again

damaged

and i find myself crying "i'm not like her, i'm not like her"

but i'm so scared i am

why is she so god damned blind! How does she not think she's damaged us???

I fight every day not to be like her

not to chase him away

to trust him completely

yet i prepare, for the inevitable loss sometimes

no one wants damaged goods

i spend my time apologizing for who i am

i spend my time worrying about something that isn't there

i don't want to be like her

i don't want to be alone because i'm great a fucking things up

i wanted more for my children than she gave me

and yet....i couldn't get that right either

and now .... i worry for the loss of near perfection i have at this time

you see...today she told me i'm just like her

and i'm going to end up just like her

and he's going to leave....just like it happened to her

today i feel hopeless, helpless