i'm sorry

we never argued, not really
it was always so easy to communicate with him
somehow, though it wasn't intentional
I'd hurt him
i could hear it in his voice
and it broke my heart
that I'd cause some kind of hurt
innocently, all misunderstandings but still
his feelings are in the care of my hands

I'd never gone that amount of time without speaking to him
hardly what some might consider a lapse in time
but for us, for me, it seemed an eternity
and panic set in
it robbed me of sleep
it occupied all thoughts
i cried rivers of tears

in the end, he brought my smile back
just by reconfirming US
i ruined his DAY
and i think of ways to make it up, can i?

all i learned is
love is precious
his love is truly sustenance for my soul
he is a part of me that without, i can't function
simply i love him, i adore him, i need him, i cherish him
and mostly I'm sorry

i sit here at this blank page

wanting to be inspired

to write something wonderful

funny, i have a hundred thoughts in my head

but not one word, sentence, phrase comes to mind

i type and erase

none of what i write seems meaningful

i type and erase

afraid to have others see my words

and maybe see the real me

so i type and erase

a child like tempter tantrum..that's me

i feel like a child with the whole
"its not fair" thing
but i feel like a temper tantrum might help
the incredible need to scream and cry
the overwhelming need to be held and comforted
to have the soothing whispers of "things will be ok"
i'm angry
i'm scared
i'm incredibly sad
It isn't fair!
I know where i'm supposed to be and i'm NOT
Why is this so painful, this time?

i sat here forever
wanting to write away the tears i feel
but i type and erase
and i type and erase
I'm not even sure about the words
so why am i sittitng here in front of the screen
with nothing and everything in my head
its the same old tired story
why???? whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???
i foolishly sit here tears dropping on to the keyboard
where my fingers seem to fail
what is wrong with me?
the shoulder i want, is always waterlogged as of late
why is it, only through invisibility, can i extend my hand out for help
but when he asks...i say i'm ok?
what if...the one day i extend my hand... he doesn't take it

uck Spiders

i'm i big pussy when it comes to bugs
anyone who knows me WELL knows this
spiders are the worst for me
i don't know why...just the thoughts have me itchy!
This morning, as i lay in bed..lazing about, i looked up at the ceiling
and there it was..HUGE SPIDER!!...ok ok, to the average person it was probably teeny
but i could see it
and worse..i knew i couldn't reach it to kill it
which meant i couldn't take my eyes away from it
because if i did, i wouldn't know where it went
and then i would not have been able to sleep
OH NO
the thing is...i'm pathetically weak!
You see, as it began to climb down the wall, the thoughts of squishing it, almost disgust me as much as the thoughts of it on my skin!
alas WHAM...my shoe splatted it..lol
sigh...now i can sleep
until HE mentions..i wonder if there were more of em

What have i got

I have lots of time to think sometimes
which sometimes does more damage than good
What do i have?
I have love in my heart for someone, feelings that some people will never have the
privilege of feeling
It reaches the deepest parts that i have always left untouchable...in the past
I have a thousand (no exaggeration)...yes thousands of reasons why i feel this kind of
love for him
and yet i wonder why....
why does he love me???
and this is not some attempt at ego stroking...I'm not trying to cajole words of praise or
love
i just wonder why.....
Why when there is so much to choose from...there
and i am HERE
am i really like them???? destined to ruin what means most to me
annoying him with this bullshit...yeah bullshit
but the me...the damaged me ....sometimes needs to know why
am i lovable, irreplaceable, needed, wanted, cherished
does he want to see me, talk to me, need to be with me
as much as i do
why is it...he hasn't grown tired of me, fallen out of love with me, lost that desire for
me
why is it my warped sense of thought wonders at times....as i feel butterflies
yeah...i still feel butterflies after all this time....does he???
or have butterflies been replaced with nausea and boredom (sigh)
what the fuck??
what the fuck is wrong with me??
be happy with what you've got woman! Before .....

I DARE YOU

i did, perhaps silently dare you
held my breath, waited to see
and yet you did
sometimes though you don't know
i dare you still
it can't be easy and i'm not sure why you do
but thank you