What have i got

I have lots of time to think sometimes
which sometimes does more damage than good
What do i have?
I have love in my heart for someone, feelings that some people will never have the
privilege of feeling
It reaches the deepest parts that i have always left untouchable...in the past
I have a thousand (no exaggeration)...yes thousands of reasons why i feel this kind of
love for him
and yet i wonder why....
why does he love me???
and this is not some attempt at ego stroking...I'm not trying to cajole words of praise or
love
i just wonder why.....
Why when there is so much to choose from...there
and i am HERE
am i really like them???? destined to ruin what means most to me
annoying him with this bullshit...yeah bullshit
but the me...the damaged me ....sometimes needs to know why
am i lovable, irreplaceable, needed, wanted, cherished
does he want to see me, talk to me, need to be with me
as much as i do
why is it...he hasn't grown tired of me, fallen out of love with me, lost that desire for
me
why is it my warped sense of thought wonders at times....as i feel butterflies
yeah...i still feel butterflies after all this time....does he???
or have butterflies been replaced with nausea and boredom (sigh)
what the fuck??
what the fuck is wrong with me??
be happy with what you've got woman! Before .....

I DARE YOU

i did, perhaps silently dare you
held my breath, waited to see
and yet you did
sometimes though you don't know
i dare you still
it can't be easy and i'm not sure why you do
but thank you

she waited for him
she knew his first instinct would be to look up
and so she thought she'd show him what he was coming hom to
he walked up and just before entering he looked up at their window
and there it was, small at first .... but the smile grew... beaming
she'd gotten the reaction she wanted
she heard him taking the steps two at a time
the door flew open
she caught her breath when she saw the look in his eyes
she turned her back to him, facing the window
moving just slow enough to wiggle her cheeks in invitaion
and he pressed her hard, against the window
and pushed into her, taking it the way she liked
til he roared and she screamed
and he stood back, when they were done, telling her not to move
watching him run out of her
smiling out the window because it seemed they had had an audience
she turned to him slowly and smiled
and spoke "Hello my love. Welcome home, how was your day?

it isn't and has never been just my need to do what i felt he wanted
it consume me
the thoughts of feeding from him, of him
the flutter i feel in my stomach
how my mouth waters, like i'm about to savour the greatest delicacy
my need to taste him....to please him....to devour him...to make him breathless.....
is ever present
you see it is all that , that somehow pleases me, fills the void, dulls the ache
my quest in personal satisfaction, my own pleasure .....
lays in the way i want to....NEED to....DRAIN him
both litterally and physically
when he is asleep, spent
i sit with my Cheshire cat grin
pleased as can be

Funny

we've all been in these kinds of relationships, i'm sure

I remember this feeling well

It had gotten to that point over time

I felt this way every time he spoke, took a breath, chewed his food...

It was nothing in particular and everything about him

He'd made the worst thing possible happen...

He'd made me hate him.....

and in the process he'd made me hate myself

which made me ache for that gun even more

i just wanted it all to end..... US no more.

It took so much self-protection afterwards, to drag myself away from that feeling...

long after he was gone.

It took someone brave, to even try to penetrate the fortress even if it meant there were cuts and scars from reaching through the thorns.

Finally i've put that feeling to rest.

Thank you